the rites

Delicious

About a month ago, I had lunch with 2 friends, and got this bill. I should have made it into a rite then, but you know how it is.

Note the 5th line item.

I'm not going to say who exactly had that item, but the person who did reports it was delicious and refreshing!

IRCsome Iranian

*** Mahmoud (mahmi@theboss.gov.ir) has joined #world
*** BabyServ sets mode: +o Mahmoud
<Mahmoud> Yo!
<Mahmoud> WIPE ISRAEL OFF THE MAP!!!111!!!!
<TonyB>wtf?
<Ch1r4c>OMG d00d!?
<MaD-Diba> *sigh*
<SaebErekat>FFS n00b, you gonna ruin it for all of us!
<B0bMugabs> *mumble* bloody colonialist *grumble* Tony se ma se... *fume*
<Mahmoud>PSYCH! I was only kidding, FFS you fewls get so effing offended
by everything I say, n00bs!

Thanks, Devalicious.

Fed

Surf to http://translate.google.com/translate_t and type: my mom is nice and cool.

Translate it from English to Spanish.

Then copy the Spanish translation and translate it from Spanish to English.

Bin Cokin

Osama bin Laden tried to buy a massive amount of cocaine, spike it with poison and sell it in the United States hoping to kill thousands, according to reports. The plot failed when Colombian drug lords decided it would be bad for business if they got involved in the deal.

Kate. Pure as poo.

Kate writes:

This is what you learn while being a loser and watching too much TV...

I know that Kate is derived from Katherine and traditionally has been known to mean 'pure of heart'. Which is what I am. But I learnt this weekend that 'pure' used to mean something entirely different in medieval times.

Purification was and still is part of the tanning process. 'Pure' used to mean 'dog poo'. Literally. I laughed so hard, I almost fell off the couch.

So now I'm no longer pure of heart, I'm just full of sh!t. Ironic, innit?

Whole glory

Apparently, this is a glory hole...

Don't get your ass fired...

There are many things you should not do with your ass. This is one of them.

Blown

"Alcohol brings down the fear level," said Dr Holstege. "Everyone knows if you give alcohol to a woman it makes things easier."

Surnames

Kate recently moved to the UK, where she's working for a big company. She writes:

"I've just received an email from another employee: Stephen Cockburn.

I have not the words..."

Strange friends

I have strange friends. Good, but strange.

One of them just said: "We chatted about this on friday and have decided incest isnt for us... although sometimes we wish it was."

Um.

Ping

Warren arrives in the UK

[15:21:02] [Rory] How was the flight?
[15:21:24] [Warren] Flight was cramped (economy).. Got 'detained' at Heathrow for an hour for questioning.
[15:21:34] [Rory] ooooer.
[15:21:36] [Warren Bell] *sigh* because I obviously answered some question wrong.
[15:21:39] [Rory] yeah
[15:21:43] [Rory] and u look dodgy.
[15:21:50] [Rory] well, who wouldn't after 11 hours in economy.

Typing with one hand

[15:53:57] [Guy] I have the coolest pic of gaydrian and I
[15:54:13] [Rory] send.
[15:55:33] [Guy] sent
[16:11:16] [Guy] you get?
[16:20:40] [Rory] yes.
[16:20:43] [Rory] can't talk.
[16:20:44] [Rory] masturbating.
[16:20:51] [Rory] c 26m 6yh fcymkx
[16:21:07] [Guy] god, you're terrible

Burnt Salad

First there was Salad Fingers. Now there's Burnt Face Man.

And let's not forget Milkman.

Dolphin Snacks

Just how hungry are you?

Spongebong Hemppants

Too funny to waste.

Unintentional comic book covers

"Beneath the seemingly innocent veil of child-like artwork was a subtle nod towards debauchery..."

When good sysadmins go bad

The following message comes from our local Jabber administrator. We currently have a fund set up for his shrink sessions.

Hey folks,

As usual, winter brings to the area of Randpark Ridge regular, lengthy power failures. Since we still haven't had the opportunity to sort out our big UPS and generator, we're all holding hands and scuffling along the carpets in nylon socks with the jabber server to keep it running.

This was going quite well until we started attracting baloons and housepets. All I can say is thank heavens I can touch type, and that I turned my head to the side at the last minute - I can hear the ocean.

Chances are our socks, or the carpets, or the SPCA's patience will wear out eventually. It is for this reason that, as I type this message, I have another window open with Charles 'Xhola' L., arranging for our server to take up residence on another machine in the IS hosting area in Roos-bonk.

He-man relied on the power of Greyskull; Unfortunately we're stuck with Eskom.

Have a great week.
W.

Buttons. Sew what?

I took the bull by the horns and sewed on 4 buttons that were missing on my shirts, the other night. Tedious, but not impossible.

Picture it - there I was, in bathrobe, watching TV, sewing. I felt like my mom.

Vitamin P

The nice thing about taking a Vitamin B supplement in the morning, is the beautifully bright shade of yellow it turns your urine into later in the day.

At least you get visual feedback. Well, if you're a boy, that is.

Even more textual intercourse

Ingy, on watching the Grammy awards, on the evening of the 14th of February, 2005: "Half the people on the Grammys look like they've been hitting the 'grammies'."

Oskar, enquiring after my life: "So, have you accepted Jesus into your life yet? Just kidding... we both know he's not your type."

Princess Adrian, on impulse: "Dead boys don't take you to meet their mother."

***: "Battling to hold onto a thought. Good g."

Textual activity

Princess Adrian: "We've decided on a new name for smegma: 'I can't believe it's not feta!'"

Al: "What goes 'ooooooooooooooooo'? A cow with no lips."

Rich: "Apparently the occasional masturbation can increase your lifespan by one day. Taken to its logical conclusion, you must be immortal."

***: "The key to successful drug taking is 'excess in moderation'."

The return of dead boys

Dead boys don't take you to meet their mother.

Morum writesum

"Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipisicing elit, sed do eiusmod tempor incididunt ut labore et dolore magna aliqua. Ut enim ad minim veniam, quis nostrud exercitation ullamco laboris nisi ut aliquip ex ea commodo consequat. Duis aute irure dolor in reprehenderit in voluptate velit esse cillum dolore eu fugiat nulla pariatur. Excepteur sint occaecat cupidatat non proident, sunt in culpa qui officia deserunt mollit anim id est laborum."

So now you know.

The Friday Auction

In case you're not already aware of it, The Friday Auction is a great way to waste 20 minutes.

MSN required.

The ultimate remote solution

Got PC? Need a little lovin'? Get one of these units.

Cursor cursing

Someone can't stand your mouse cursor. Put it over his face, and see what happens.

Seen on the hivemind...

Ingrid writes:

Went to a friends house. They'd just had a baby. We sat down to a great meal. Afterwards they popped a video in and next thing you know there's blood and gore and tits and fannies and finally a baby. Cute baby, I even shed a tear but I didnt touch a lamb chop for 6 months after that.

Hallibuggeroff

The Mail&Guardian reports that vice-president Dick Cheney brought a long-running feud with leading Democrats over his former company, Halliburton, to a foul-mouthed climax on the floor of the Senate, it emerged on Friday.

Cheney told Vermont's senator, Patrick Leahy to "f*ck yourself", after he apparently approached George Bush's number two for a chat.

Overheard on the Hivemind

Ivo:
This must be the best piece of land ever up for sale:

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=4305137952

Now, anyone have 1.5 million US lying around?

Robin:
Maybe. What are you willing to do to get it?

Ivo:
Send you a picture of me?

Robin:
Hmm.. You're new to this cult stuff right?

The hivemind outdoes itself

Leon:
Those were the old days. When we still had to post to the 'mind by fax, after walking sixteen miles in the snow to the nearest fax machine - barefoot.

Ivo:
That's nothing! You had faxes! WE had to evade government censors in the dead of night under sniper fire to deliver punch cards to a dead letterbox, where a secretive man disguised as God with blue hair carrying an avocado would retrieve it and hack it into the systems of an even more secretive illuminati front called the Future Foundation!

Gary:
Sniper fire with just bullets? BLOODY LUXURY! We used to dreeeeeeeeeeeam of sniper fire. In my day, we had to whistle down a length of wet broken string. When it transpired that the message didn't arrive, we used to have to tunnel across a minefield wearing only underwear made from barbed wire. Our message, on soggy parchment carried you-don't-want-to-know-where, would decompose if we didn't make it in time, and the stench would permeate our livers. When finally someone did make it across with a valid-checksummed datagram, the blue-haired god would beat us with a shovel and send us back from whence we came!

Devan:
Tunneling across minefield with parchment? We used to DREEEEEEEAM of tunneling across minefields with soggy parchment lodged in our rectums. In my day we used to use Windows 95.

Warren updates Jabber, again

Hello Possums, from the bustling metropolis of Bloemfontein...

We (as in the Royal We(ooweeeoooweee)) would like to apologise for the server downtime over the weekend.... We'd also like to apologise for the owner of a red Uno registration GHB108GP for what the royal Corgies did to your upholstery. They're terribly well trained, and no doubt decided it would be less offensive than soiling a public lawn. If you're dubious regarding this explanation, let me assure you my footprints are only present due to my selfless efforts to extract my larger Corgie, Champagne 'Poo-poo' Rimrock of Luciaan. Too late I fear... Though I'm sure you fear more.

Uhm.. Where was I? Kinda lost my train of thought. Right... Apologies for the downtime. I actually saw the server was down, though I just assumed the problem was infact being caused by some naught GPRS setting. Silly me. Err. Us.

Roooooooll over Champers! YES GOOD LAD!! Now SIT. Staaaaaaay.... Now clench boy, clench - that's a good poochie. *BOOM* Oh dear god CHAMPERS - talk to me boy.. NOOOOOOOOOOO WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY CRUEL UNIVERSE WHYYYYYYYY?!??!??!?!

Flatulent Corgies - More fun than Margaret Thatcher on crack.

Holy JIT

[14:28:53] *** Jabber@Obs is Offline
[14:27:22] Hey all..

Ok, so the Jabber ICQ Transport (or JIT) is due for an upgrade, from 1.1.0 to 1.6.0.... It's compiling as we speak, but please be aware that you will have to re-login to this transport for the same reason you need to buy a new horse when Ol' Stinky Jr. takes a dirtnap - you just can't rely on a dead horse for transport. It's bound to get you in trouble for being late. Maybe even fired. I know that's happened at least twice in my family's history, which is why I had to work in a plush penguin factory when I was just five to feed my lesbian nazi eskimo brother, Ft-nuknuk. Grandma always told dad to get a new horse, but NOOOOOO, he just kept on rindin' Ol' Stinky Senior. He was light on gas he said. Or rather, BIG on gas, but light on hay.

But, I digress.

Regards,
Warren (wibble@jabber)

Random textage

Adrian:
All god does is watch us and kill us when we get boring. We must never, ever, get boring. Chuck Palahniuk
2004-01-12 20:15:31

Adrian:
Note to self. It is bad karma to send an MP3 to your deaf friends online.
2004-01-06 20:42:21

Adrian:
If you want to find Jesus, try to remember where you last saw him. But he's usually stuck down the side of the sofa.
2004-01-03 00:48:17

Adrian:
‘Most of the laugh tracks on TV were recorded in the early 50s. These days most of the people you hear laughing are dead’ – Chuck Palahniuk, Lullaby
2003-12-18 02:45:41

This club is filled with cheesy music and, more importantly, BEAutiful people. Allan is trying to get me drunk. Allan 1, me 0.
2003-12-13 23:40:44

Adrian:
No… please god, no. There is a cat on heat outside my bedroom window. *sob*
2003-11-13 01:45:39

Morné:
Got this message from Gavin: “They start filming a Bel Ami movie here next week. They are looking for fluffers and stunt bottoms. Sounds like fun.” My response: “Stunt bottom? Welll what are u waiting for? Go show them what you can do with that spatula.”
2003-11-14 17:50:09

Adrian:
Signs that you should not be using your root account. You can’t even type the password because you are too fucked.
2003-11-30 07:26:25

Al:
Some people are so simple. The should be removed from the gene pool.
2003-12-12 22:50:42

Al (upon arriving in South Africa):
Fuck it’s hot.
2003-12-13 10:07:27

Al:
If bored and in doubt: eat chocolate.
2003-12-12 22:56:53

Al:
And there is a hottie of note sitting across from me. Serious squirt material.
2003-12-12 22:52:49

The Matrix Vibe(rator)

So what are you waiting for? Get ready to Plug and Play. Or would you prefer wireless? Even if it's discontinued?

In attendance

Saw this little bit of wierdness in Sandton City on Friday night.

No, I don't know either.